'Allo 'Allo! (series 7)
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|'Allo 'Allo! (series 7)|
|Country of origin||United Kingdom|
|No. of episodes||10|
|Original release||5 January– 16 March 1991|
There is a gap of fifteen months between the broadcasting dates of series 6 and 7. Gorden Kaye suffered serious head injuries in a car accident in January 1990; causing him to lose some of his memory. As Kaye was slow to make a full recovery, the whole show's future was in doubt. Even when the seventh series did come about, it brought some changes. David Croft left the series, with Paul Adam taking over the co-writing; Mike Stephens became the producer for the show; Robin Parkinson took over the role of Ernest LeClerc from Derek Royle, who had died in 1990; Roger Kitter replaced Gavin Richards as Bertorelli; and the series also saw the re-appearance of Sam Kelly as Captain Hans Geering, though only for one episode.
Unlike in previous series, there was no exclamation mark when the title "'Allo 'Allo" was shown on screen.
The following episode names are the ones found on the British R2 DVDs with alternate region titles given below them.
|Series No.||Episode No.||Episode title||Original UK airdate|
|7.01||62||A Quiet Honeymoon||5 January 1991|
|7.02||63||An Almighty Bang||12 January 1991|
|7.03||64||Fleeing Monks||19 January 1991|
|7.04||65||Up the Crick Without a Piddle||26 January 1991|
|7.05||66||The Gestapo Ruins a Picnic||2 February 1991|
|7.06||67||The Spirit of Nouvion||9 February 1991|
|7.07||68||Leg It to Spain!||16 February 1991|
|7.08||69||Prior Engagements||23 February 1991|
|7.09||70||Soup and Sausage||2 March 1991|
|7.10||71||René of the Gypsies||16 March 1991|
- Gorden Kaye as René Artois
- Carmen Silvera AS Edith Artois
- Rose Hill as Madame Fanny La Fan
- Vicki Michelle as Yvette Carte-Blanche
- Sue Hodge as Mimi Labonq
- Kirsten Cooke as Michelle Dubois
- Robin Parkinson as Monsieur Ernest LeClerc
- Kenneth Connor as Monsieur Alfonse
- Richard Marner as Colonel Kurt von Strohm
- Guy Siner as Lieutenant Hubert Gruber
- Roger Kitter as Captain Alberto Bertorelli
- Hilary Minster as General Erich von Klinkerhoffen
- Richard Gibson as Herr Otto Flick
- John Louis Mansi as Herr Engelbert von Smallhausen
- Kim Hartman as Private Helga Geerhart
- Arthur Bostrom as Officer Crabtree
- John D. Collins as Officer Fairfax
- Nicholas Frankau as Officer Carstairs
|Title||Directed by||Written by||Original air date|
|62||1||"A Quiet Honeymoon"||Mike Stephens||Jeremy Lloyd & Paul Adam||5 January 1991|
Edith and Monsieur Alfonse are building a secret compartment in the spare bedroom on top of the café. Edith and René will hide in there if the Germans find out they are hiding the British airmen. When they have finished and come downstairs, Michelle bursts into the café, gasping that Madame Fanny and Monsieur LeClerc, floating along in their bed under the barrage balloon, have been shot down over Abbeville, as they say a prayer for them, the newly-wed couple arrives – on a motorbike. They have stolen it and driven through German roadblocks and other obstacles to get home. Therefore, Germans are approaching to café and both Michelle and Monsieur Alfonse flee through the back passage in the kitchen. Four German soldiers enter the café and arrest René, Edith, Fanny and Ernest, the four of them are brought into the Germans headquarters, where colonel Von Strohm, Lieutenant Gruber, Captain Bertorelli and Private Helga Geerhart are waiting. Helga reads the charges against Fanny and Ernest: "Assaulting a German officer, stealing a motorbike, failing to stop at a roadblock and flying a bed attached to a balloon in a military airspace." As Madame Fanny keeps insulting the Germans in answer to these accusations, the Colonel sentences her and Ernest to 30 days in prison. As Edith and Gruber plead for them, he reduces the sentence, but still sends them to the local police station and sends René and Edith away. Herr Flick is sitting in his headquarters embroidering when Helga arrives, he tells her, that he suspects Fanny's and Ernest's flying of the bed to be connected with the two British airmen. In order to be able to interrogate them, he has instructed Von Smallhausen to disguise himself as a common criminal, commit a crime, be caught and be locked up in the same cell as the old couple. Helga suggests he go into the colonel's office and steal the petty cash in there, in order to be captured. General Von Flockenstuffen comes into the German headquarters (the colonel's office) and announces that since general Von Klinkerhoffen is having a nervous breakdown, he is taking charge, until he has recovered. One of his first priorities is to have the office redecorated with new paintings and a new carpet, before he and Gruber leaves to visit Von Klinkerhoffen, he also demands that the Colonel release the old couple in prison at dawn the next day – it will make them too unpopular to jail people for flying a bed. General Von Klinkerhoffen, sitting in a hospital bed with a straitjacket on, is given soup to eat and a straw to eat it through. However, when the nurse has gone, he gets on his knees in the bed, manages to get near a telephone standing on a small table next to the bed, gets the receiver off and tries to contact somebody to get him out of hospital, as he is doing so, Gruber and Von Flockenstuffen arrive, without Von Klinkerhoffen noticing them. However, they do not see the telephone at all – only the bowl of fruit standing next to it, they therefore think he is talking to the fruit and leave, convinced he is still mad. René and Yvette are in the kitchen cooking a fish soup, when Michelle turns up, she tells René of her new plan for getting the airmen back to England: A small aircraft will be sent from England to pick them up and it will be guided by her girls' bicycle lamps, however, they do not have enough batteries for them at the moment. When she has left and René and Yvette have a quick cuddle, Edith walks in on them, after she has once more fallen for René's explanation and Yvette has gone, she tells René that she intends to break Fanny and Ernest out of jail and smuggle them to Spain. When René does not want to be in on the plan, she ruins his fish soup by pouring too much salt in it. Von Smallhausen comes into the anteroom and tells Helga that he has come to commit the crime, she lets him into the Colonel's office and gives him one minute before she will catch him red handed. However, the next moment, Captain Bertorelli comes into the ante-room, trying to court her. When he hears noises from the office, he investigates it and catches Von Smallhausen. Helga says the must call the police, but Bertorelli does not think it necessary. Instead, he lets Von Smallhausen go and thus, the plan to get him into prison fails, at night, René knocks at Yvette's door and shows her a note from Edith, saying that she and Mimi have gone to rescue Fanny and Ernest. The next moment, they hear footsteps coming up the stairs and it turns out to be Edith and Mimi, dressed as German soldiers, along with Fanny and Ernest, they all go into the spare bedroom, where Fanny and Ernest get into bed and turn one of the bed knobs. The bed is then folded into the wall and they are well hidden, the next moment, Edith and Mimi are also forced to hide, in the cupboard, since Lieutenant Gruber is approaching and they are both dressed as German soldiers. He comes to tell René, that the old couple have been pardoned and are being released. When he hears noises from the wall, René says they come from the restless spirit of his dead brother. Gruber then becomes rather nervous and leaves hastily. When Edith and Mimi have come out of the cupboard it turns out, that the bed knob has fallen off and thus cannot be turned to fold the bed back out.
|63||2||"An Almighty Bang"||Sue Longstaff||Jeremy Lloyd & Paul Adam||12 January 1991|
Since the secret compartment bed is impossible to fold down without the knob, René rings for monsieur Alfonse to come with his tools to try to open it, after listening through the wall with a stethoscope and having drilled a small air hole through it, monsieur Alfonse decides to put small dynamite charges at the hinges of the bed and blow them off. While René goes to ask Michelle for some dynamite, Edith decides to feed the trapped couple by pouring soup into the air hole, at Herr Flick's headquarters, he asks Helga if the plan of getting Von Smallhausen arrested succeeded and she replies, that he was arrested, but that the old couple had already been released, so the plan did not work. General Von Flockenstuffen enters the Germans' headquarters, which has been decorated entirely in pink, he thinks that Nouvion has become "something of a backwater as far as the war is concerned", but that is about to change. An old friend of his, general Boris Von Bratwursten, is planning a raid on the southcoast of England, in order to capture the British Prime Minister Winston Churchill, who will soon take a holiday in Bognor. Von Flockenstuffen puts Gruber and Von Strohm at the head of the operation, which they are not very keen on, they think they should wait until general Von Klinkerhoffen comes out of hospital, but Von Flockenstuffen informs them that he will not be coming out of hospital. In fact, he will be sent to a special hospital in Bavaria. René and Yvette are cleaning up in the backroom. Just as Yvette passes René a vase, officer Crabtree opens the window with a large bang, scaring them both and making René drop the vase, he brings the dynamite from Michelle, stuffed down his trousers. As he takes them out, he explains that they are disguised as candles and that the first one is a real candle, while the rest are dynamite. Secondly, he wants to take the British airmen with him, in order to weigh them on the fishmongers' scales, this is so they can tell London how much they weigh, so that London sends an aircraft big enough to hold both their weights. When the three Englishmen have left, René and Yvette have a quick cuddle. Edith walks in on them, but when René has explained the situation once again, she collects the dynamite and goes upstairs, leaving all but one of the "candles" at the bar. When Edith and René have gone upstairs, Herrs Flick and Von Smallhausen burst into the café, as they think nobody is there, they decide to go upstairs to interrogate the old couple. Meanwhile, monsieur Alfonse has charged the bed and lit the fuse of the dynamite. While he, Edith, René and Mimi are waiting outside the bedroom, the Gestapo officers come upstairs and demand to be allowed to interrogate madame Fanny and monsieur LeClerc. René tries to warn them not to go into the bedroom, but they do anyway, walking straight into the explosion, which gets the bed out, the Gestapo officers decide to carry out the interrogation "when [their] headaches are better". At the German headquarters, Von Strohm, Gruber, Bertorelli and Helga are discussing general Von Flockenstuffen, they decide to get Von Klinkerhoffen out of hospital, so he can take charge and put things right. Helga suggests that Von Strohm and Gruber take Von Flockenstuffen to the café that same evening, to keep him distracted, while she disguises herself as a nurse, bringing Bertorelli, who will pretend to be mad, into the psychiatric wing of the hospital. While the three officers are sitting at the café, being entertained by Edith and the girls and Gruber, Helga manages to get Bertorelli into the hospital; in Von Klinkerhoffen's room, he decides to switch places with Bertorelli and thus, they switch clothes with each other. After this, Helga manages to wheel Von Klinkerhoffen out of the hospital in the wheel chair in which she brought Bertorelli in, at the café, Von Flockenstuffen has become very drunk. He thinks René is hiding his best wine from him and wants to check his wine cellar himself. When he is about to go down there, René informs him that there is no light and that they have no candles. However, the general finds one at the bar (which, unknown to him, is dynamite), lights it and goes down the cellar. While he is down there, Von Klinkerhoffen walks in, declaring that he is back in command and has placed Von Flockenstuffen under arrest, after the "candle" explodes, Von Flockenstuffen comes out of the cellar, with a nervous breakdown. Von Klinkerhoffen therefore sends him to the "fruitcake ward" of the hospital and when Gruber informs him that René, at great personal risk, gave Von Flockenstuffen the exploding candle, Von Klinkerhoffen says he will make sure René gets a collaboration medal.
|64||3||"Fleeing Monks"||Mike Stephens||Jeremy Lloyd & Paul Adam||19 January 1991|
|René is not happy, since general Von Klinkerhoffen wants to give him a collaboration medal, but this would make him - the hero of the resistance - very unpopular among the villagers and the resistance girls. It has even gone so far that Edith comes into the café and tells him, that the shopkeepers would not serve her, calling her "the wife of a collaborator" and even the pigeons have dropped their droppings on her. Monsieur Alfonse, who has accompanied her, starts measuring René for his coffin, as René tries to deny the threat he is under, a brick is thrown into the café, smashing through the window, with a note on it saying "Next time our aim will be better". The next moment, Mimi comes in with a parcel for René, which he dare not open. Edith opens it and shows him that it contains a detachable tie, that she has ordered for him, as Yvette comes into the café, with a demand from Michelle to see them in the backroom, René, Edith and monsieur Alfonse go in there. Michelle gives René another parcel, containing monks' outfits, with which the British airmen are to disguise themselves when the light aircraft from London comes to pick them up, since there is a curfew in the village, nobody is allowed outside it, except for the monks of the monastery of Saint Crispin the Silent, who are going on a midnight vigil, to celebrate the one occasion when Saint Crispin spoke (he said "Goodbye"). Michelle has brought three monks' outfits - two for the airmen and one for René, who will accompany them to help them find the right field where the aircraft will land, at first, he refuses, since he has enough problems as it is (if he accepts the medal, the villagers will lynch him for being a collaborator and if he does not accept it, general Von Klinkerhoffen will suspect him of working with the resistance and have him shot). However, Michelle forces him by threatening him with a lynching from the resistance, if he does not help the airmen. When she has gone, however, René gets an idea and picks up the parcel with the monks' outfits, leaving the room, at colonel Von Strohm's office, Helga announces René, who has come to receive the medal. When he enters the office, Von Strohm and lieutenant Gruber are rather surprised to see him dressed as a monk. René tells them that he cannot accept the medal, since he has become a novice monk in the order of Saint Crispin and thus is not allowed any worldly goods. When this does not help to convince the colonel, René confesses that he will be lynched if he receives that medal, which means will not be able to help the colonel and the lieutenant any more. Secondly, his café will probably be burnt down, which means no more evening entertainment for the Germans there - not even having fun with the waitresses, this makes the colonel think again and he and Gruber decide to try to stop the general awarding René the medal. The next moment, general Von Klinkerhoffen enters the room and René disguises himself as best he can under the hood, the general almost recognises him, but as the others cover up for him, he is allowed to leave without the general really knowing who he is. When René has gone, the general first asks for him, but thinks it is just as well, that he is not there, since he has not yet received confirmation from Berlin of the rendering of the medal. Secondly, when captain Bertorelli has come into the room, he notices the new colours of the walls and carpet and complains about it, he wants Von Strohm to redecorate it once again and choose the colours himself. At Herr Flick's headquarters, Von Smallhausen lets Helga in, she tells them both that René has become a monk. Herr Flick does not think he has done so voluntarily and immediately suspects it has something to do with the British airmen, he therefore decides that he and Von Smallhausen shall enter the monastery to spy and thus, he orders Von Smallhausen to get two monks' outfits for them. As René is temporarily putting boards across the broken window, he is interrupted by Louise of the communist resistance, after they have had a quick cuddle, she points a gun at him and says she has to kill him. All the girls in the communist resistance have drawn straws to decide who should execute him, since he is a collaborator, and the lot has fallen upon her. However, after René has pleaded for his life, she gives him 24 hours to escape, after which, she will come after him. Thus, she leaves for the time being. Inside the café, René tells Yvette of this new predicament and she thinks they should escape to England on the plane that is coming to pick up the airmen, since René is under threat from so many ways, he agrees to this and tells her to go to the police station, contact Crabtree and tell him to ask Michelle for another monks' outfit, under the pretext that the one she has given him is too small. When they have had a quick cuddle and Edith has walked in on them, Yvette goes to the police station and René tells Edith that he is going to England that very same evening, at first, she says she will come with him, but after has convinced her of the need for her to stay behind and run the business, she decides to follow his advice. Herrs Flick and Von Smallhausen go to the monastery, dressed as monks, and are let in by another monk, they say they wish to join the order and when they have agreed to abide by all the monastery rules, they are forced to hand over all their worldly goods, even their spectacles, which the monk crushes under his feet. Then, they are taken to the scourging room, at the café, officer Crabtree comes in - from upstairs. He has just delivered the extra monks' outfit and put it under madame Fanny's bed. When he has told René and Yvette this, they take him into the kitchen, where the airmen are washing. Crabtree tells them of the plan, that they will be dressed as monks and at night join the monks' procession out of the village, they will be led by René to a field, where they will be picked up by a plane at exactly midnight. At about a quarter to midnight, they will pass a roadside shrine, which will serve as a landmark for them; in order for them to keep exact track of time, he makes them synchronise their watches and as they have done so, the airmen leave theirs on the table. After they have gone out to hang the washing and Crabtree has also left, Yvette comes up with the idea to set their watches back ten minutes, so they will not reach the plane in time. René decides it is better with 20 minutes, and so, they put their watches back. René then tells her to pick up the extra monks' outfit after he has gone with the airmen and then run to join the procession, that same night, Edith tells madame Fanny that René is going to England and that she cannot go with him, since she would have to be dressed as a monk and does not have an outfit. Fanny then tells her that there is one under her bed, she urges Edith to take that one and go with René. She and monsieur LeClerc will look after the bar. Thus, Edith takes the costume and leaves, in order to catch up with the procession, the next moment, Yvette comes in and looks for the costume. When Fanny tells her that Edith has taken it, she is determined to run after them, but she cannot get out of Fanny's room, since the door knob comes off as she tries to open the door, the monks' procession goes by the roadside shrine at a quarter to twelve, but as the airmen's watches only read 25 minutes past eleven, they do not think that is the one and walks on. In the darkness of the night, René does not see, that it is Edith who joins him and, thinking it is Yvette, leads her to the field, where Michelle and her resistance girls put on lights and the airplane lands, the people in the plane, thinking they are Fairfax and Carstairs, quickly pull the two monks into the plan, which immediately takes off. When they are in the air, René discovers that it is Edith and not Yvette who is with him.|
|65||4||"Up the Crick Without a Piddle"||Sue Longstaff||Jeremy Lloyd & Paul Adam||26 January 1991|
In the plane to England, Edith becomes airsick. When she tells René that she has left the bar in Fanny's and Ernest's charge, René is not very happy about it, since he thinks they will drink too much of its contents themselves and not be able to keep track of the money, as a British pilot comes in, trying to cheer them up, they do not understand a word he is saying and can only answer things like "flo, flo, flo, flo" and "rah, rah, rah, rah", which they think resemble English. Back at the café, madame Fanny forces Mimi and Yvette to scrub the floor and make them work very hard. When they refuse to work, she only tells them that she is in charge until René returns and that if they do not do as they are told, she will put them back in the street - "where [they] belong", at the British ministry of defence, there is a realisation that the plane has picked up "the wrong two monks". René and Edith are brought in and a man is being sent for to interpret between them and the ministry personnel. However, before he arrives, the two officers with them try to talk to them, but one of them cannot speak French and the other one speaks the same mangled kind of French that Crabtree does. Thus, René and Edith do not understand much of what they are saying and therefore do not answer them, this means that the communication between them does not work at all, until the interpreter arrives. When he does, it becomes somewhat of a surprise, both to him and to René and Edith, he turns out to be none other than Colonel von Strohm's former assistant, Captain Hans Geering, whom they have not seen since their escape from the prison camp (in the episode Prisoners of War) and heard since his message on the radio (in the episode Camp Dance). When they are alone, Hans tells René and Edith, that he has now become a "neutralised Englishman" after three months of brainwash and is now a British citizen, he also says he knows that René is "Nighthawk", the hero of the resistance. He also has to interrogate them a little, just for show. When the two officers rejoin them, Hans tells them that there was a "cockup" in France and that the British airmen were not there, when they were to be picked up. René and Edith tried to tell them this, but were dragged into the plane and flown off to England. However, the officers are vary pleased to hear that René is "Nighthawk", as they hear that Winston Churchill wants to see them right away, they are dressed in civilian gentleman's clothes, which were standing by for Fairfax and Carstairs. When Hans tells the two of them that Churchill wants to see them and probably wants to give them a medal, they are not very happy about it, since medals are the last thing they need, at the café, colonel Von Strohm, lieutenant Gruber and captain Bertorelli are enquiring about René, while Fanny is "warming up her tonsils" for the evening, when she is going to sing. Before the Germans leave, with Yvette having assured them that Rene has just gone away for a few days, they order a table at the café for that same evening. When they have left, officer Crabtree arrives, telling Mimi and Yvette that Michelle has had a message from England, that René and Edith are over there and that they do not know where the airmen are. Michelle is going to speak to London on the radio in Fanny's bedroom and two o'clock. Meanwhile, Crabtree is going to look for the airmen on his bicycle, it turns out, that the airmen have ended up in a pig sty, where they, still dressed as monks, try to eat the pigs' food. Churchill receives René and Edith at 10 Downing Street. Firstly, he does not think they look very French, because of the very British clothes they are wearing. Secondly, he does not see that Edith is a woman and at first thinks they are brothers. When Hans explains they are married, he becomes even more confused and is not totally convinced when Hans tells him Edith is a woman. When Churchill has given them a medal each, Hans takes them to tea on expenses; in the monastery, Von Smallhausen is pedalling a potter's wheel, while Herr Flick is trying to make a pot on it. However, he succeeds poorly, since he does not know the art of pottery, the next moment, they are joined by a nun, who turns out to be Helga in disguise. She asks if they have found out if any of the monks speaks English, but they have not, since it is a silent order, she has also brought them some sandwiches. While madame Fanny is sleeping on her bed, Michelle, Crabtree, Yvette and Mimi talk to René and Edith on the radio, they are all wondering what has happened to the British airmen, but neither party knows. When Edith learns that Fanny has passed out on her bed and that monsieur LeClerc is serving all his old pals free drinks, she becomes determined to return that same night, before that, however, Hans take her and René shopping and also takes them to Marks & Spencer's where they dine at the canteen of Lyon's Corner House in the store. But they are interrupted by an air raid and must go down to a shelter. Edith has decided to return, since Fanny and Ernest are ruining the business, while René has decided to stay in England; in the evening, the German officers sit down at their ordered table in the café. They inform Yvette, that René has been missing for almost 24 hours and a person missing longer than that will be arrested and interrogated when found, along with his friends and relatives; in the aircraft bringing Edith (who is wearing a parachute) back, René and Hans have joined her to say goodbye. René does not change his mind about staying in England, but when he and Edith are saying good bye, they are both standing on the trap door through which Edith will be dropped, when it is opened, thus René unintentionally comes back too, clinging on to her while they are floating down through the air. Madame Fanny and monsieur LeClerc are preparing a cabaret number in her bedroom, when René and Edith smash through the roof and land in her bed. Thus, when the time is up for René, he and Edith come downstairs, dressed in Fanny's and Ernest's clothes, performing the cabaret number, as René is about to escape through the back passage, general Von Klinkerhoffen comes in and tells him, that he will not be given a medal after all. Berlin has informed him, that blowing up somebody by accident does not count as sufficient collaboration.
|66||5||"The Gestapo Ruins a Picnic"||Mike Stephens||Jeremy Lloyd & Paul Adam||2 February 1991|
|René is standing in the café, counting wine bottles, when he is interrupted by Yvette, who wants a quick cuddle with him. As usual, Edith walks in on them (coming down the stairs), after she has fallen for René's explanation and Yvette has gone upstairs, Michelle comes into the café, telling René and Edith that officer Crabtree has found the British airmen in the pigsty. She then tells them of the new plan to get them back to England, her girls have already sawed through six telephone poles, which they will fell in the dark of night and use them to build a raft (the trees in the woods are out of bounds) on which the airmen will row back to England. Coincidentally, this will also make them disturb the German communication lines, the next moment, Crabtree walks into the café with the airmen. They are still wearing their monks' outfits and smell awful from the night in the pigsty. Thus, they are sent upstairs to have a bath, at the monastery, Helga uses a bird call to catch Herr Flick's attention. Soon, he and Von Smallhausen turn up, on a small roof. When they have jumped down from there, it turns out that Helga could not find a car for their getaway, but has brought a tandem tricycle instead, which is "most unsatisfactory" to Herr Flick. However, they flee the monastery on this tricycle anyway; in colonel Von Strohm's office, general Von Klinkerhoffen is outraged over a poster he has found in the town square. It is a call for all people in the village to resist the "accursed Boche", it makes fun of Von Strohm, Gruber, Bertorelli and Von Klinkerhoffen and even has a caricature of him on the reverse side, captioned "Von Kinkyhoffen". The general decides to strike back at the resistance, by reopening the local newspaper, which the Germans closed at the beginning of the occupation, they will use it to spread their own propaganda. To give it more credence in the eys of the villagers, they decide to have a Frenchman as the editor of the paper and Gruber suggests René, which the general thinks is a good idea, at Herr Flick's headquarters, Von Smallhausen brings in the latest issue of the "Health and Efficiency Magazine" with a centre-fold, pull-out Rhine maiden in it - unadorned. When Herr Flick has had a look at her, he decides to order the Rhine maiden calendar, but when he picks up the telephone receiver, he can hear nothing, it turns out that they have not paid their telephone bill; thus they have been cut off. Herr Flick decides to telephone his godfather Heinrich Himmler for more money and in order to be able to use the telephone, they are to use their special Gestapo telephone-tapping equipment and tap into the line outside Nouvion; in the café, monsieur Alfonse, Gruber, René and Edith are sitting around a table and Gruber has just asked (or rather ordered) René to be the editor of the newspaper. Monsieur Alfonse says he was once a reporter for the paper and can assist him. When they discuss what to put in the paper, Gruber says there will be articles on the members of the German garrison, "to give them a human face" and therefore, he shows the others a few pictures of himself, as they also are going to show "how happy the French are under German rule", monsieur Alfonse suggests they have a picture of madame Fanny and monsieur LeClerc, Nouvion's happiest honeymooners. Edith immediately goes upstairs to tell them. When the three men are alone, they discuss having a beautiful, light clad young lady on page three, for this end, monsieur Alfonse shows the others a few pictures of former beauty queens of Nouvion (such as "Miss top of the milk, 1918"). Gruber, however, resists having such pictures in the paper and René agrees with him. When the lieutenant is off to tell the general of the progress with the paper, he gives René a few pamphlets that show how well the Germans are doing in the war. René thinks they confirmed what Gruber said earlier, that they must not let facts get in the way of a good story. When Gruber has left, Michelle, who has been eavesdropping on them, comes into the café from the backroom. Now that the printing presses are about to roll again, she demands that René help the resistance print an underground newspaper to call on all France to stand up against the Germans. When she happens to see monsieur Alfonse's old pin-ups, she thinks they are disgusting and says she has better legs than any of those girls, she even shows René and Alfonse one of her legs, making Alfonse's dicky ticker set in. Later that day, monsieur Alfonse sets up his camera in front of the café to take Fanny's and Ernest's picture, as they are preparing themselves, they are joined by the German officers. Fanny, who hates the Germans start spitting on them and all over the place, she accidentally spits on Ernest's tie, which leads to the two of them starting to argue and have a big fight. Thus they leave the square before the picture can be taken, the next moment, Helga drives the general's car into the square and he wants to talk to René and Gruber. He has decided, that the Germans will have a picnic with the French and that they will have pictures taken of this happy and convivial occasion, that same afternoon, the German officers and the café gang will all go on a picnic together and all German officers below the rank of general will go there on a ten kilometre running hike. The general goes by car (driven by Helga) and the Frenchmen ride in monsieur Alfonse's hearse. Meanwhile, Herrs Flick and Von Smallhausen climb up a telephone pole to tap into the telephone line and call Himmler in Berlin. When they have all sat down in a big haystack in a field, monsieur Alfonse lines up his camera, he has brought three photo plates in case of any error. There are errors occurring, because every time he takes a picture, it is ruined by people moving around (the first time because Edith accidentally pours Champagne over the general, the second time because there are ants making the girls itch and the third time because Herrs Flick and Von Smallhausen fall down over the party, since they had climbed up one of the poles that the resistance had sawed halfway through and the pole eventually breaks. The Gestapo officers soon flee and the general sends his officers running after them.|
|67||6||"The Spirit of Nouvion"||Sue Longstaff||Jeremy Lloyd & Paul Adam||9 February 1991|
|René is in the café, when Edith and Mimi comes in, returning from a shopping round. They are soon followed by Michelle, who demands money for the resistance, since they are very low on funds. When René and Edith do not want to give her any of the money earned on the café, she urges them to, unless they want an "accident" befalling the café, she shows what kind of accident by blowing a whistle. In comes one of her girls and machine guns the bar, fortunately with all of them ducking, so they are not hit; in desperation, René opens the till, but as there are only a few coins in there, Michelle asks them for valuables to sell. Mimi then mentions the painting, which she has given to Herr Flick and whose existence Michelle has not heard of until now. When Mimi says it must be worth millions, Michelle leaves the café, determined to make a plan to steal it from Herr Flick's safe. René says he and Edith then will think of a way to steal it from Michelle; in Herr Flick's headquarters, Von Smallhausen delivers him a letter, in which his godfather Himmler writes that he has heard about the "cockup" with the telephone pole and that he will not send any more money. Secondly, he urges them both to stop consorting with "women of the opposite sex". When Helga arrives at the next moment, he therefore terminates their relationship rather abruptly, as he does not tell her why and talks to her in a very superior manner, she becomes very angry with him and tells him off rather severely. He says he will not share the proceeds from selling the painting (which he reveals is in his safe) with her and he also forces her to return the spare key to his headquarters, which he had given her, she leaves, pouring a vase of water over him. René and monsieur Alfonse are standing in the newspaper office, looking at pictures of lightly clad, beautiful young women, those pictured have all sent in their photographs to compete in the "Spirit of Nouvion" contest, where the paper is looking for a woman with "beauty, strength and virtue". Suddenly, Edith comes in and wants her picture taken, so that she can also enter the contest. René is a little hesitant to this, since he thinks she only possesses one of the three qualities required, but as she looks at the other photos, she hardly thinks there is any competition against her, she is soon followed by Yvette, who also wants to be in the contest and René is more inclined to this idea, since he thinks she has at least two out of the three qualities. When they have also been joined by Mimi, monsieur Alfonse informs them, that he has only got one photo plate, so they will have to have their picture taken together. When the picture has been taken, monsieur Alfonse goes to develop it in his dark room and Mimi and Yvette go back to the bar, the next moment, officer Crabtree walks in, giving René and Edith a note from Michelle. It says they will tunnel into Herr Flick's headquarters that same evening; in order to lure Herrs Flick and Von Smallhausen away, René will make an anonymous telephone call to Herr Flick and tell him, that a secret message will be delivered in the café that same evening. Crabtree also gives them a note to serve as the secret message (false of course). Michelle will then rendezvous with them in the square at half past ten. Colonel Von Strohm and lieutenant Gruber are sitting in the colonel's office, playing chess, with captain Bertorelli watching, they are however soon interrupted by Helga, who tells them that Herr Flick has the painting in his safe and that she had to return the key to his headquarters. The colonel then decides they must think of a way to get the painting back. Helga suggests they disguise themselves as "resistance desperados", blow down Herr Flick's door and hold him and Von Smallhausen up at gunpoint, this way, they get the painting back and the resistance gets the blame. It is decided they will do it that same evening. René makes the anonymous telephone call to Herr Flick and he immediately decides he and Von Smallhausen shall go to the café, they will be disguised as a "debonair man about town" and his lady companion. As they enter the café in this disguise, the café gang immediately recognise them (but do not tell them this). Mimi then signals monsieur LeClerc to come in, which he does, dressed as a match seller, the first time, the Gestapo officers do not notice them, so he is forced to come in a second time. Everybody tries to act as if the match seller is a complete stranger, except for when Fanny comes down and asks him to come upstairs with her. Even so, they manage to fool the Herrs and when LeClerc is handing over the note to René, Herr Flick reveals himself and grabs it, its message is about where "the two birds" can be found at midnight (in a tree). As he thinks this means the British airmen, he decides they will go to the spot at midnight and apprehend them. When they go there, they find two pheasants in the tree and a squirrel who fires nuts at them like a machine-gun (the squirrel is clearly made of wood). René, Edith, Michelle and Ernest (who is a well-known safe breaker) have managed to almost tunnel their way into Herr Flick's headquarters, they come up under the safe in the wall. As Ernest is about to go in and cut through the metal of the safe, he accidentally knocks over a sack of flour on a shelf, which falls on René, making him completely white. Meanwhile, Von Strohm, Gruber and Bertorelli are about to blow down Herr Flick's door, when Crabtree walks in on them, wondering what they are doing, some of Bertorelli's men show up, however, and render him unconscious. Then, the Germans blown down the door and storm into the headquarters, being rather surprised not to find the Gestapo officers there. However, they bring in one of Bertorelli's men, who is a safe breaker and who gets the safe open, as Ernest has come through the bottom of the safe, but not taken the painting, René goes to get it. Just as he sticks his head up through the safe, Gruber opens it. Seeing René in there, completely in white, makes him think it is the ghost of his dead twin brother, making him rather scared, he runs away, screaming, but the colonel does not believe him. He opens the safe himself to have a look, but when he also sees René's white head, he is convinced and the Germans all leave, without the painting. René tells the other that the Germans have seen him and Edith becomes somewhat hysterical at this. If they are caught, she will say it was all René's idea, to which he replies that that lessens her chances of winning the competition. However, René has taken the painting and puts it down one of his trouser legs, before they leave, as they are about to, Edith threatens René that if she does not win the competition, she will tell Michelle of the forged painting which he has down his other trouser leg and which he intends to give to her. Thus, he is forced to give in and as editor of the newspaper, let her win the competition.|
|68||7||"Leg it to Spain!"||Mike Stephens||Jeremy Lloyd & Paul Adam||16 February 1991|
|The morning after nicking the painting from Herr Flick's safe, René is in the café, filling a knapsack with supplies in order to, disguised as an onion seller, flee towards the Spanish border, because the Germans saw him in the safe. He is also taking the painting with him, before he can leave, however, he is discovered by Yvette, whom he tells he will go to Spain, sell the painting and then send for her. He also informs her, that the painting he has given to Michelle is a forgery. When they are having a quick cuddle and Yvette begs René not to leave her, they are discovered by Edith, who, after René has explained what he was doing with his arms around Yvette, tells René not to run away, since she does not think he is in danger, the next moment, colonel Von Strohm, lieutenant Gruber and captain Bertorelli enter the café and demand an explanation as to where the painting is, namely because they have discovered a trail of flour from the bakery next to Herr Flick's headquarters, leading straight to the café. René explains that a stranger, all covered in flour, showed up just moments earlier and wanted to sell him the painting, he confiscated it and was just about to give it to the Germans. Thus, he gives them the painting, after which they leave. Herrs Flick and Von Smallhausen go to the police station and report last night's burglary. Crabtree says he saw the men who committed the crime, but that he would however not recognise them. Herr Flick sets up a 100 francs reward to anyone who finds the painting; in the colonel's office, Von Strohm, Gruber and Bertorelli are trying to figure out whether their painting is the real one or a forgery. When they have determined that it is the real one, they quickly try to hide it under a newspaper on the table, as general Von Klinkerhoffen enters the room, as he talks about the burglary and the painting, they cannot keep the secret, but reveal the painting to him and hand it over. The general then asks how the propaganda newspaper is coming and Gruber points out, that they need a new picture on the front page, since the Gestapo ruined the picnic pictures. Von Klinkerhoffen then suggests they all have their picture taken enjoying a happy evening at the café, he thinks Helga should sit next to him, referring to her as "the pin-up of the tank corps". Von Smallhausen tells Herr Flick that the painting is now in the general's possession. Herr Flick therefore decides he must make up with Helga, so she can help him get it back, he reads his Gestapo manual "How to Get Off With Women of the Opposite Sex - Ten Easy Lessons", chapter five "How to Make Up with a Woman You have Ditched". He finds out he has to grovel, which he finds extremely difficult, it says he should bring her gifts, write her a poem or serenade her with a love song - something he does not look forward to. He even practices singing, after Mimi has received a call from the colonel and she has told René and Edith what the Germans want in the café, Michelle enters the café, through the back passage, saying that down there, the airmen are testing the big wine barrels, which they will be inside in order to float down the river to the coast, where they will be picked up by the British. She takes René and Edith down to the cellar to say good bye to them, since this is the last time they will see them, she also makes the airmen show "the drill" to René and Edith. When they are out at see in the dark of night, they will both wear helmets with light bulbs (taken from Edith's bathroom) attached to them. Via batteries in the barrels, they will each push a button, to make the bulbs flash, so they can be spotted. When they are done, Michelle shakes hands with them and thanks them for a job well done, as they also shake hands with each other, there is a full circuit, making the airmen overcharged with power, which explodes the bulbs. Their barrels bear the words "Chateau sans jambes" which translates to 'Chateau Legless': 'legless' being English slang for drunk. Helga is sitting at her type writer typing, when Herr Flick enters the ante room, he tries to serenade her and read her a poem, but she does her best to ignore him or humiliate him. When he grows tired of groveling, he starts talking to her in a superior manner and asks her to grovel to him, which she does not, the next moment, captain Bertorelli comes into the room, also trying to court her. She accepts his invitations, just to make Herr Flick jealous and leaves with him. Fanny is lying in bed, being alarmed by her bedknobs, that start flashing. René, Edith and Michelle enter the room, put the bed up and receive the call (apparently, the aerial in the bed post and the bed folding in half have now been abandoned). London tells them they will look for "the two seabirds" at sea and Michelle says they will roll the barrels out to sea that same night. Herrs Flick and Von Smallhausen are sitting up a tree, spying on Helga and Bertorelli, who are having a picnic. Herr Flick becomes mad with jealousy as Helga is doing what she can to make him jealous, without getting too close to captain Bertorelli. Von Smallhausen suggests he make her jealous in some way and Herr Flick therefore decides they shall go to the café that same evening to "chat up the waitresses", he then grabs the binoculars from Von Smallhausen, making him fall from the tree; in the evening, Von Klinkerhoffen, Von Strohm, Gruber, Bertorelli and Geerhart (Helga) go to the café, where René has reserved a fine table for them. Monsieur Alfonse is also standing by with his camera, the general is determined that they should enjoy themselves and have nothing special to eat or drink, just what the peasants have. René and Edith serve them snails, of which one even crawls from the plate, the next moment, the Gestapo officers enter the café, fancily dressed. They sit down at a table and Herr Flick tries to "chat up" Mimi, using his Gestapo manual. However, she is not impressed and tells him off, not very gently, after they have all suffered through madame Edith's singing, the Germans pose to have their picture taken, pretending to be enjoying her singing, so she has to take her singing pose again. Before this, however, Herr Flick tries his luck with Yvette, which ends even worse than with Mimi, the general does not like the disturbance and has the Gestapo officers thrown out, before the picture can be taken. When this is done, the general commends René about his wine and he even wants to go down the cellar to see the bottles himself, as René, Edith, Von Klinkerhoffen, Von Strohm and Gruber come down the cellar, the general discovers the two big wine barrels (which he does not know contain the airmen) and demand they be sent to his quarters at the chateau. When the Germans have left, René knocks on the barrels to try to warn the airmen, but they do not understand what he tries to tell them.|
|69||8||"Prior Engagements"||Sue Longstaff||Jeremy Lloyd & Paul Adam||23 February 1991|
|René is sitting in the café, having a cup of coffee spiked with gin to calm his nerves, when Edith rushes in, overjoyed to show him her picture on the front page of the new newspaper, since she has won the "Spirit of Nouvion" contest. They are soon interrupted by Michelle, who comes in and tells them, that she has had her painting valued by an expert, who has discovered it is a forgery (the boobies are not big enough), she has also discovered, that the original is in the care of general Von Klinkerhoffen and they must steal it from him. René and Edith are more concerned about the airmen, who are stuck in wine barrels in the general's cellar. Michelle says the resistance will come up with a plan to rescue them. Meanwhile, she takes what she can find in the café's till, since the resistance are still short on funds, and leaves. Colonel Von Strohm, lieutenant Gruber and captain Bertorelli are sitting in the colonel's office, reading the first edition of the new newspaper, they banter at general Von Klinkerhoffen and all the space he takes up in the paper, when the general enters the room. He tells them of his new idea to further "cement relationships" with the French peasants, namely, that a German officer should marry one of them (the marriage being annulled when the war is over, of course), he has picked "The Spirit of Nouvion" (Edith) to be the bride. Since colonel Von Strohm is already married, Gruber and Bertorelli have to draw straws about who should propose to her and Gruber is the one who has to do it. However, he and Von Strohm manage to talk him out of it and the general decides Bertorelli shall propose to Edith. Then, there will be an official reception at the chateau, at Herr Flick's headquarters, he tells Von Smallhausen that he has found out that the painting is in the possession of the general. In order to get into the chateau, they will swim across the moat, wearing frogman suits. Then, they will use a rope and grappling hook to climb the castle wall. When Von Smallhausen points out he cannot swim, Herr Flick makes him lie on his stomach on the desk and practice it, reading the Gestapo manual "Learning to Swim Very, Very Quickly". Michelle bursts into the café, asking René and Edith to do her laundry for her, before they can discuss this, Mimi enters, telling them that Gruber is on his way. Thus, Mimi must take the laundry into the kitchen and Edith takes Michelle into the backroom. Gruber tells René of the general's marriage plans and when he has left, Edith and Michelle come back into the café. Edith is devastated, but Michelle thinks it is a good idea that she accepts the proposal, the reception will give them an excellent opportunity to get into the chateau and get the airmen out of there. They will drop the barrels into the underground stream that runs under the chateau, they will then float down the river and out to sea. Michelle and her resistance girls will get into the cellar through a tunnel, leading to it from the monastery. However, there must be somebody down there to open the door for them. Thus, they will have to put Mimi in the dumbwaiter outside Von Klinkerhoffen's room and wind her down to the cellar, where she will open the door, the next moment, René and Michelle escape to the backroom, as captain Bertorelli approaches. He makes Edith a long proposal, which she reluctantly accepts, after he has given her a long kiss, he leaves and René and Michelle come back into the café. In the evening, René, Mimi and Yvette are waiting on the Germans in the chateau. Helga then announces the "dignitaries" from the town: The head of the Nouvion police (officer Crabtree), the mayor, the undertaker, the hairdresser, the vineyard owner and the photographer (monsieur Alfonse), monsieur and madame LeClerc and finally, captain Bertorelli and his fiancée "The Spirit of Nouvion" (Edith), as monsieur Alfonse is not very glad at his beloved Edith marrying another, he challenges Bertorelli to a duel, but quickly withdraws, when Bertorelli informs him, that he is the best shot in the Italian army. Meanwhile, Herrs Flick and Von Smallhausen get ready to swim across the moat, Von Smallhausen wearing a big red metallic bowl on his head; in an unwatched moment, Mimi get into the dumbwaiter and Yvette lowers her down into the cellar. There, she quickly opens the door for the resistance girls. When Michelle has informed the airmen, they drop the barrels into the stream, after which the resistance girls leave through the tunnel and Mimi, with a bottle of wine, is hoisted back up with the dumbwaiter. When she is back up and everyone has gathered in the reception hall again, the general holds a speech about the engaged couple, he also takes the opportunity, to display the painting. When he asks everybody to join him in a toast for the happy couple, madame Fanny protests and says she will not (which is part of the plan to get Edith out of the engagement), she says Edith is a traitor for marrying in Italian and that she will cut her off from inheritance - she well never get the hands on "her" café. When Bertorelli hears that the café belongs to madame Fanny and not Edith, he calls the wedding off, cancels the engagement and leaves the room. Herrs Flick and Von Smallhausen are standing on a balcony outside the room and as Herr Flick sees the painting, he orders Von Smallhausen to activate the secret Gestapo fire alarm as a diversion, as he does so, it turns out that the big bowl on his head is a gigantic alarm bell. However, it works and everyone in the room leaves to get into safety from the fire. Thus, Herr Flick can easily get in, take the painting and leave. When they have both left the castle, everybody returns to the room and discover that the painting is missing. General Von Klinkerhoffen orders the guards to look for intruders, but the guests can all go home, the café gang chat joyfully while walking through the streets. They are just saying how nice it is to be rid of the airmen, when they hear noises down the sewer, the airmen are stuck down there and cannot get the grating open to get out into the street. However, René and the others ignore them for the moment.|
|70||9||"Soup and Sausage"||Mike Stephens||Jeremy Lloyd & Paul Adam||2 March 1991|
|René is in the café, stuffing a string of sausages down his trousers. This is to lower them down to the airmen in the sewers, through the grating, for them to eat. Yvette comes in and gives him a jar of mustard to go with them and stuffs it down his other trouser leg. When Edith walks in on them and wonders what she is doing, René for once does not have an explanation to what they are doing and lets Yvette explain instead. When Edith has sent her into the kitchen, Michelle turns up, she explains that the airmen are trapped on a ledge in the sewers, just next to the outflow from the café, so nobody must flush the toilet (which somebody does at that same moment). While monsieur Alfonse is examining the grating to see if it can be opened, her girls are rebuilding madame Fanny's wheelchair, putting a tank underneath it. There will be soup in this tank, which they will pour down the grating for the airmen to drink. When LeClerc takes madame Fanny for her morning stroll in the wheelchair, they will stop over the grating and pour down the soup, the next moment, Mimi comes downstairs and tells them that madame Fanny is gone, after she and Ernest had a row the night before. She has left a note, saying she has gone to her cousin in Avignon. Thus, they need somebody else to play madame Fanny, so they can get the wheelchair out without arousing suspicion. Michelle convinces Edith to play her mother and as she tries it, René even calls her "you silly old bat" - she is that convincing. Monsieur Alfonse is examining the grating, when officer Crabtree comes upon him and asks what he is doing, as he explains, he also says the hinges of the grating are rusted shut. As he goes to tell Edith and René, Crabtree exchanges a few word with the airmen, as he comes into the café and informs René, Edith and Michelle of the bad news, he also says he might be able to break it open with his hammer and chisel. However, he cannot do it in the square in broad daylight, where the Germans can spot him. Michelle then suggests putting his hearse over the drain and work underneath it, as René points out that the sound of the banging would still be heard, Alfonse has an idea. If they would use René's old ice cream van, the machinery would make a loud enough noise to cover the banging sound. Michelle thinks it is a good idea and suggests the waitresses serve the ice cream. When René has been talked into it, he goes to feed the airmen with the sausages down his trousers, as René is letting the sausages down to the airmen, he is interrupted by lieutenant Gruber, who says his stomach is not well, probably from the cottage pie he ate at the café last night. When he spots the sausages coming out of René's trousers, René explains this by saying that the café disposes of bad food that has gone past its expiry date by throwing it down the drain; in Herr Flick's headquarters, Von Smallhausen is about to make a copy of the painting. Herr Flick will then plant this forgery in colonel Von Strohm's office, where general Von Klinkerhoffen will find it, accuse the colonel of stealing it and send him to the Russian front. While Von Smallhausen makes the copy, Herr Flick goes to bring Helga some flowers. However, Helga is about to go away for a few days, on a training course. To take her place while she is gone, a new girl has been assigned - Private Elsa Bigstern (played by Louise Gold), as the general enters the ante room, where Helga is instructing her, he is quite impressed with her, since she is rather tall and seems to have a firm grip on things. Meanwhile, in the colonel's office, Von Strohm, Gruber and captain Bertorelli are discussing the new girl, the next moment, when she announces the general, even he jumps at her loud yelling. He complains to the three officers that the painting has not yet been found and he urges them to find it soon - or he might send them all to the Russian front. Then, he leaves the room. Herr Flick is surprised not to find Helga in the ante room, but when Elsa explains that Helga has gone on a course and that she has taken over her duties for the moment, he asks her out instead, she goes into the office to ask permission. The three officers think it is a perfect opportunity to plant a spy close to Herr Flick. Thus, the colonel orders her to accept the invitation and try to find out anything about the painting, as she comes out into the ante room again, she accepts the invitation and Herr Flick orders her to come to his secret headquarters that same evening. Officer Crabtree informs the airmen that they will pour down some soup to them and with nothing better to drink it from, they both decide to use their boots to collect it in. However, as Carstairs' boots both have holes in them, he decides to use his cap instead, as monsieur LeClerc wheels madame Edith (playing her own mother) out and starts pouring the soup down the drain, René discovers it is the wrong grating. While the airmen also discover this, they go over to the grating where the soup is coming, but meanwhile, René tells LeClerc that it is the wrong grating, stops the pouring and pushes the wheelchair over to the right one, since the airmen does not manage to get any of the soup at the other grating and discover the soup pouring down the first one too late, they do not get back to that one in time before there is no more soup and thus, they are left without any. As Elsa comes to Herr Flick's headquarters, he orders Von Smallhausen to hide in the cupboard. However, as Elsa is ordering and bossing him around and even forces herself upon him, he cries for help, but Von Smallhausen says he is on his own. René drives the ice cream truck out into the square and stops it just above the grating, the waitresses are in the back, ready to sell ice cream. Monsieur Alfonse is with them, getting ready to start hammering on the rusty hinges of the grating. Then, he will also attach a hook on a wire to the grating and use the engine to try to raise the grating from the ground. Meanwhile, Von Strohm, Gruber and Bertorelli come to the café and order three glasses of champagne, as they are sitting there, the general arrives, complaining that they are not looking for the painting. He is also wondering what the ice cream truck is doing in the middle of the square, without permission, the Germans therefore summon René and demand an explanation. After a while, he manages to get the Germans' approval for the ice cream truck and they even decide to have some ice cream themselves, as Yvette is about to make one for the general, the machine breaks and squirts melted ice cream all over the general and some on the colonel and lieutenant.|
|71||10||"René of the Gypsies"||Sue Longstaff||Jeremy Lloyd & Paul Adam||16 March 1991|
René is about to lower a tray with food for the airmen down the grating in his own garden, so it will float away to them, as he is interrupted by his waitresses, one after the other, who are off to go sunbathing behind the hen house, he has a quick cuddle with them. Edith, having baked some rock cakes for the airmen, walks in on him and Yvette, after she, as usual, has fallen for his explanation (she was "fainting from the heat because she did not have her hat on"), she puts the cakes on the tray, after which Michelle turns up. She explains her new plan to get the airmen out, namely, that since 1534, the gypsies have been allowed to have a fair in the town square on the summer solstice. Therefore, René and Edith must go to them and ask them to hold a fair on the solstice this year. By putting one of the gypsy tents over a grating that is possible to open, they will get the airmen out of the sewers that way and dress them up like gypsies, after she has forced René to agree to do it, she takes off her trench coat to reveal a sunbathing outfit and joins Mimi and Yvette behind the hen house. As the airmen are waiting for something to eat, they see the tray floating towards them. However, everything on it has been eaten by rats, except the rock cakes, which, as they discover, are impossible to chew. Elsa Bigstern comes to Herr Flick's headquarters and he gives her a little task, he orders her to invite colonel Von Strohm, lieutenant Gruber and captain Bertorelli out, so he can get access to the colonel's office. There, he will plant the forged painting and then make sure that general Von Klinkerhoffen discovers it, as the three officers will then be accused of stealing it, they will be sent to the Russian front. As Elsa becomes rather excited by this plan, she gives Herr Flick a long kiss (lasting several minutes). Meanwhile, the telephone rings and Von Smallhausen takes the receiver, without saying anything, it is Helga who is ringing and, thinking it is Herr Flick who is answering, she cries out her longing for him. When the call is over (because Helga runs out of coins), Von Smallhausen claims it was the wrong number, but also says he will go to have a cold shower, at the gypsy camp outside town, René and Edith are allowed to talk to the chief. They ask him to bring the gypsy fair to town on the summer solstice, but first, he checks if they can be trusted by reading their palms, as he reads Edith's, he becomes convinced that she is the lost gypsy princess Romana, who was taken from them 47 years ago. For her sake, he agrees to bring the fair to town. However, when the chief asks her to sing for them, he is convinced she is not Romana, since her mother had a magnificent singing voice and Edith does not. However, they will still bring the fair to town; in the evening, the German officers are enjoying themselves at the café and Elsa even sings a song, when general Von Klinkerhoffen walks in, silences the singing and arrests Von Strohm, Gruber, Bertorelli and Bigstern for stealing the painting, which he has found in the colonel's desk drawer. As there are no doors in the chateau dungeons (they were attacked by woodworm and were sent to be replaced), the four of them are locked up in the local jail. When they have been taken away and all the Germans have left, LeClerc comes into the café, disguised as a gypsy clothes pins seller, he tells René and Edith, that the gypsies have had a bad omen and will not bring the fair to the village. The next moment, Yvette calls upon them to talk to Michelle, who is in the backroom, as they tell her the bad news, she decides they must organise the fair themselves. They have a look at one of the gypsies' posters and Michelle decides they must provide all the attractions mentioned on them. René will be the chief who tells fortunes, Mimi, Yvette, Crabtree and Michelle's girls will run the stalls and Edith will be the bearded lady, the next morning, the Germans in jail are discussing how to get out, when officer Crabtree brings them some tea. However, the next moment, the general joins them and apologises to them - he has examined the painting he found and discovered that it is a forgery. Thus, they are released and the general even offers them a big breakfast at the chateau to make up for the mistake, as they leave, Elsa slams the cell door shut behind her, which makes it lock automatically - with Crabtree still in the cell. When the café gang and the resistance organise the fair the square, the Germans notice that René is dressed as a gypsy, he therefore explains that the real ones cancelled the event and that they had organised it themselves, not to disappoint the villagers and the German soldiers. While the German officers go around trying the different competitions at the different stalls (except kissing the bearded lady), Michelle tells René that the airmen have already been handed two gypsy costumes to dress up in and Michelle hands them a gemmy to bang open the bolts of the grating under the shooting gallery. When she has left René in his tent, Gruber comes into it and wants his fortune told. While René tells it, the airmen try to bang on the other grating, but to no use. Thus, they crawl back to the one under René's tent. René, trying to keep Gruber away from the shooting gallery for as long as possible, asks if the lieutenant wants to communicate with the dead. Gruber mentions that he would like to talk to René's dead twin brother and ask his forgiveness for shooting him, as René "contacts" his brother's spirit, the grating in the tent (underneath the carpet) starts rising (the airmen pushing it up). Gruber, thinking it is René's brother's spirit, runs away screaming, this catches Michelle's attention and she bursts in, finding out what is happening and helping the airmen up. Madame Edith also joins them, the airmen come out of the sewers, followed by three other British airmen (Blenkinsopp, Ginger and Sparks), shot down three weeks ago, who have been trying to find a way out of the sewers ever since. Michelle explains who they all are and that they can stay in René's café and that he will help them. When they spot Edith in her big beard, Blenkinsopp says "On second thoughts, I think we'll take our chances down the drain", the three "new" airmen go down the drain and disappear again, while Michelle takes the "old" ones away to get them out of their gypsy clothes.
- "Radio Times listing for original transmission of "A Quiet Honeymoon", archived at BBC Genome Project".
- "Radio Times listing for original transmission of "An Almighty Bang", archived at BBC Genome Project".
- "Radio Times listing for original transmission of "Fleeing Monks", archived at BBC Genome Project".
- "Radio Times listing for original transmission of "Up the Crick Without a Piddle", archived at BBC Genome Project".
- "Radio Times listing for original transmission of "The Gestapo Ruins a Picnic", archived at BBC Genome Project".
- "Radio Times listing for original transmission of The Spirit of Nouvion", archived at BBC Genome Project".
- "Radio Times listing for original transmission of "Leg it to Spain!", archived at BBC Genome Project".
- "Radio Times listing for original transmission of Prior Engagements", archived at BBC Genome Project".
- "Radio Times listing for original transmission of "Soup and Sausage", archived at BBC Genome Project".
- "Radio Times listing for original transmission of "René of the Gypsies", archived at BBC Genome Project".