'Allo 'Allo! (series 9)

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The ninth series of the British sitcom series 'Allo 'Allo! contains six episodes which first aired between 9 November and 14 December 1992.

Series 9 was the last series of the show, and contains the final regular episode (The Best of 'Allo 'Allo! aired some two years later; but was mostly made up of archive footage). Richard Gibson did not take part in the final series; so the character of Herr Otto Flick was taken over by David Janson.

The following episode names are the ones found on the British R2 DVDs with alternate region titles given below them.

Series No. Episode No. Episode title Original UK airdate
9.01 80 Gone with the Windmill 9 November 1992[1]
9.02 81 A Tour de France 16 November 1992[2]
9.03 82 Dead Man Marching 23 November 1992[3]
9.04 83 Tarts and Flickers 30 November 1992[4]
9.05 84 A Fishy Send-Off 7 December 1992[5]
9.06 85 A Winkle in Time 14 December 1992[6]

Gone with the Windmill[edit]

  • Alternative titles: Fighting with Windmills (R1)
  • Original air-date: 9 November 1992
  • Written by: Jeremy Lloyd & Paul Adam
  • Directed by: John B. Hobbs
  • Produced by: John B. Hobbs
  • Episode length: 30 minutes

René is happy, since, as at the end of the last episode, life is good again, after he has had "such a narrow escape" with Yvette's pregnancy, he has decided that from now on, he will be faithful to Edith (without telling her). However, as he is telling Yvette this and saying that he shall never feel her young firm body against his and so on, he realizes he cannot keep the promise and they decide to have a cuddle in the backroom. However, they are surprised by Edith, whom they thought were in the kitchen, she had gone around the back in order to get into the room to poke the stove there. Edith suggests that she and René have a cuddle in the backroom. He, strangely, does not disagree. Edith is in for another shock when she re-enters the room, because Lieutenant Gruber and Colonel Von Strohm, still dressed in their flamenco dresses, are climbing through the window. René orders Mimi and Yvette to tend the bar, while he and Edith talk to the Germans in the backroom.

It turns out, that their van was bombed just before the Spanish borders, they then stole two bicycles and headed back to Nouvion, to "the one person they could trust" (René). He urges them to go back towards Spain, since they have been missing for a week and General Von Klinkerhoffen, who has the incriminating photograph, probably thinks they have deserted. Edith then comes up with an idea, they are to inform the General, that Gruber was forced to have his picture taken with the painting by the resistance, who have kidnapped them both. This was done because the resistance had stolen the painting, but wanted to blame the two officers and make the General believe that they had deserted with the painting. This, in turn, was done in order to be able to fly the two of them to England, for them to reveal the German defence plan against the invasion.

Edith says she was inspired by Edgar Allan Poe when she came up with this intricate plan; in order to convince the General, she suggests the two officers being bound and blindfolded and put in the old windmill north of town, in order for the general to find them there. In order to inform the General of their whereabouts, René will casually find a bottle in the canal, with a note for the general, written by Gruber and Von Strohm, with clues about where they are. When René suggests that story is not believable, Edith instead comes up with the idea, that Gruber had dropped the bottle down a drain and the heavy rains as of lately have made the water rise and force the bottle up the water pipe of the café, the four of them agree it is "so outrageous it could work" and decide to go with the plan. In order to get to the windmill, Edith will ask monsieur Alfonse to give them a lift in his hearse, without telling him the real plan. When she has left the room, to talk to monsieur Alfonse (who is sitting in the café), Gruber gives René the painting, with the booby still missing, to hide, which he does.

Monsieur Alfonse agrees to give the two Germans a lift in his hearse, but as he has had a little too much to drink, he cannot drive it at the moment. Edith then urges René to help him. When René wonders what excuse he would have to sit on top of a hearse, wearing a top hat, in the middle of the night, with two dancing girls in the back, Edith comes up with the idea, that he and monsieur Alfonse are two typical Frenchmen who have picked up two tarts to have some hanky panky in the woods. When they explain this part of the plan to monsieur Alfonse and the two waitresses, Mimi points out that in their flamenco dresses, they look too rich for local tarts, who are poor and therefore cheap. Hence, Yvette and Mimi dress them in cheaper dresses.

Yvette and Mimi go out into the square, dressed the way they usually do when they want to pick up somebody, and they are soon joined by the lieutenant and the colonel, also dressed as tarts, after the four of them have chased off some other local tarts, two German officers come up to them, showing some interest in Gruber and Von Strohm. However, they are rescued by René and Monsieur Alfonse, who come by with the hears, which the two of them climb on board.

The next morning, Michelle enters the café through the back passage, she takes a few bottles of wine, to serve at an introduction party for new members of the resistance, and then leaves. As René is about to go and give the bottle with the message to the general, he is reluctant and feels it would be better if somebody else did it, the next moment, a person enters the café who is just the man to do it – Officer Crabtree. After René has given him a hangover remedy, he agrees to deliver the bottle, this turns out to be very easy, as the next moment, the General enters the café, accompanied by Helga. He gives both Officer Crabtree and René some posters to put up and distribute over town, they inform everybody to stay clear of the old windmill, as it will be used for target practice at noon the same day. When Crabtree has given the general the bottle, he leaves to put up the posters, the general then smashes the bottle on a table and orders Helga to read it. After trying to decipher the information that the two officers are held "blindfolded and bound in a place where the wind always blows, there is much grinding of wheels and a woosh, woosh, woosh sound", he does not figure out that they are at the windmill, but thinks they are held in a laundry. When the general and Helga have gone, René therefore gets ready to go and rescue the lieutenant and the colonel from the windmill.

When Helga visits Herr Flick in his secret headquarters, she is in for a big surprise. Herr Flick's head is completely wrapped in bandages, only with holes for his eyes, nose and mouth. Naturally, she enquires as to what has happened and he informs her, that he has undergone plastic surgery in order to alter his appearance, this is because he needs a new identity when the invasion comes, in order to escape to Argentina.

René goes to the windmill and releases Gruber and Von Strohm, as he informs them of the target practice, they rush out of there, hop on René's bike and quickly ride away, leaving René behind. The next moment, Louise and one of her girls from the communist resistance turn up at the windmill. René warns them of the target practice and the three of them are forced to hide behind the nearby barn, when the Germans start shooting. When it is over, the two girls will not let René return to let everybody know he is safe, but instead, they order him to follow them and leave only his clothes behind, so that they will be found and everybody will think he is dead.

Michelle barges into the café, angry because she and her girls were almost discovered by the Germans, when they were having a secret meeting in a laundry. When Yvette has told her where René is, Mimi comes into the café, crying and sobbing violently, she shows the two others René's shoes and cap, which she has found, and, as she cries too much to speak, manages to show them by gesturing, that René is dead. Both waitresses start crying but are silenced by Michelle, who insists that they be brave, she briefly starts crying but composes herself after a slap in the face from Mimi. The next moment, Officer Crabtree enters, wondering if the sad news is really true, as the others cannot break the news to Edith, he decides to do it, when she, the moment later, comes out from the kitchen. When she is informed of René's demise, she faints.

René is brought to the communist resistance's underground headquarters, from which they have tunnels everywhere, leading to hollow trees, that are exits. When Louise orders for him to be bathed, shaven and brought to her bunker, he is rather willing, but after it has turned out that "bathed" means soaking him in cold water, he effortlessly tries to leave and is seen trying to get out of a tree.

  • Note: This episode marks the first appearance of David Janson as Herr Otto Flick. The story of his plastic surgery was conceived to explain his altered appearance, when he was no longer being played by Richard Gibson.
  • Note: In this episode, series writer and creator Jeremy Lloyd has a cameo appearance as one of the Germans who show some interest in Gruber and Von Strohm when they are dressed as tarts.

A Tour de France[edit]

Louise has decided to keep René as her love slave, but for the moment, he is faking a headache to stay out of it, as Louise turns up, she asks him to join her at a party meeting. The others have decided not to let Louise keep him as her love slave—they all want to share him. Therefore, they write their names on notes, put them in a hat and draw them to find out in which order they are to "use" him. However, as they demand he help them with cooking, washing and other domestic things, he is relieved rather than upset, he is first assigned to cook soup and wash knickers.

Colonel Von Strohm and Lieutenant Gruber are sitting in their office, with Gruber crying and sobbing at the death of René, the colonel is not so sensitive and demands they go to the café to get the painting back. As he asks Helga into the room, he tells her where the painting is and that she must try to get to missing booby back from Herr Flick, he is reluctant to let her in on the proceeds from the painting, but is forced to when Gruber points out that she knows they were really deserting. As she is leaving the room, general Von Klinkerhoffen enters, he invites Von Strohm and Gruber to join him in a hunting party in the afternoon. He also urges the two of them go and see Edith, to offer her some compensation for René's death, he does not want to be asked questions when Germany lose the war—as he is convinced it will, since he is "rapidly losing confidence in the German army".

Edith shows Mimi and Yvette some of René's belongings, which she has gathered in a box and ask them to take something to remember him by, the next moment, Michelle turns up - from the back passage. She informs them that she has spoken to the priest, who has agreed to hold a memorial service for René in the evening, as the next moment, they are joined by officer Crabtree and monsieur Alfonse, Edith offers them to take an item from the box too. Then, monsieur Alfonse makes his intentions clear to Edith—he wants to marry her, now that she is a widow, she says it is too soon, since René is still fresh in her memory. That gives Mimi the idea that they should make something to remember René by and finally, they all agree on a statue, life size, which Monsieur Alfonse will make.

The next moment, Gruber and Von Strohm come riding in Gruber's little tank and stop outside. Therefore, Michelle flees down the back passage, Edith orders the two waitresses to go upstairs and officer Crabtree leaves to "go about his business", the two Germans ask for the painting, of which the whereabouts Edith does not know, and also offers to compensate her in some way. She then asks them to pay for the statue of René, but as monsieur Alfonse shows them his prices, they think both one in marble and one in sandstone would be too expensive - and settle for one in concrete.

As René is forced to dry the knickers (by riding a bicycle, which powers a turning clothes line), one of the girls tell him that they will all leave the headquarters for a while, but he should not get any ideas of escaping, since they are leaving Désirée behind to guard him and she is large.

Helga arrives at herr Flick's headquarters just in time to witness Von Smallhausen remove his bandages. When his new face is revealed, all three of them, even herr Flick himself, are surprised and unsure if it is really him. Helga kisses him to see if she stills shudder with excitement. However, with his new appearance, she still shudders, but the excitement is gone, he then says he needs a second opinion. He and Von Smallhausen then go to the café. There, they manage to fool Edith that they are really British agents, who want the painting to send it to England, so it can be sold to help in the war effort. When she tells them she does not know where it is. Herr Flick urge's her to keep searching for it.

As René is done with drying the knickers, he makes Désirée some tea and puts sleeping pills in it, after she has tried to force herself on him a few times, she falls heavily asleep. Then, he manages to escape from the headquarters, wearing the head and fur coat of an elk, which they have kept as a hunting trophy. Unfortunately, the Germans arrive in the same woods for their hunting party, they spot an elk and as they do not know it is René in disguise, general Von Klinkerhoffen shoots him in his bum with his shotgun. As René flees and the three Germans are following him, they come by the communist resistance, who open fire on them. Thinking that it is the gamekeepers of the landowner who are shooting at them, they quickly withdraw to their car.

In the evening, Edith, Mimi, Yvette, officer Crabtree and monsieur Alfonse all return to the café from the memorial service, as they go into the backroom to have some sandwiches that Edith has prepared for them, she gets the idea of trying to contact René's spirit by having a séance. As they are all sitting around the table, with only candles lite on the table, holding hands, René returns and tries to get into the backroom. When they hear the noise, they really think it is René's spirit and when he opens the window and try to get in, wearing the elkskin, they think they have accidentally summoned up the devil himself and flee in horror. However, they close the door before Edith manages to get out of the room and the doorknob comes off in her hand. René tries to convince her that it is him, but she will not hear of it. Instead, she threatens him with a hayfork to leave and not haunt her like this.

  • Note: This episode features the final appearance of Carole Ashby as Louise.

Dead Man Marching[edit]

René is lying on a table in the café, while doctor Leconte is removing the buchshot from his rear and Edith, Mimi and Yvette assist him. Suddenly, Michelle enters the café, from the back passage, she wants to talk to René, but manages to wait until the doctor is done and has gone. She then convinces him to let himself be smuggled to England, to help with the invasion plans, now that the Germans think he is dead, the next moment, officer Crabtree enters the café, askin if everybody is ready for the procession. It then turns out, that René's personal belongings will be paraded through the square and then placed in the museum.

Michelle is about to leave, when she reminds René, that he will be picked up by plane the following night and that he must hide until then. Edith points out, that he cannot hide at the café, since the Germans might search it, as officer Crabtree comes up with the idea that he hide in the museum, Edith suggests he join the procession to get there and Michelle comes up with the idea of his dressing up as officer Crabtree, in order to be able to join the procession without being recognized.

Colonel Von Strohm finds lieutenant Gruber servicing his little tank, which he calls "Hubert Junior". Von Strohm reminds him that they are to join the procession and try to get the painting back, before Gruber accidentally squrts him with water from the cooling system.

When Edith has dressed René in officer Crabtree's uniform, the café telephone rings, as Edith answers it, she is glad to her from her mother, who informs her, that she has returned from Paris (she is at the Nouvion train station at the moment), but that she and monsieur LeClerc has split up, after he has left her for a younger woman. The next moment, monsieur Alfonse enters the café, carrying René's boots and beret on a velvet cushion, he is fooled by René's disguise and thinks it really is officer Crabtree. When they ask him to hide René at the museum he says he has just the place for him, the next moment, a well-known face shows up, as monsieur LeClerc staggers into the café, having hiked all the way from Paris. As he wants to keep out of madame Fanny's way for a while (she being angry with him), monsieur Alfonse offers him to play the drum in the procession. However, before they leave the café, he gives Edith a note, given to him by the postman, it is a note from herr Flick, inviting Edith to tea with him in the afternoon. She then explains to René about herr Flick's behaviour earlier, with claiming he is really a British agent, as she is inclined to reject the offer of drinking tea, René instead urges her to accept, so that she might try to get some information as to the whereabouts of the missing booby. As they are about to go out to start the procession, Edith leaves a note to her mother on the bar and asks officer Crabtree, who is standing in his underwear and will not join the procession, to take some hot soup up to her mother's room, in preparation for her return. Doing so, he discovers that her bed feels rather nice and decides to lie down for a while and have "farty wonks".

The procession starts at the café and goes out into the square. There, monsieur Alfonse holds a short speech over René, after which he tells him (disguised as Crabtree) to collect money to pay for the display case in the museum. However, people are very reluctant to donate any, as they do not remember anything good about him, on the other hand, Gruber, who, together with Von Strohm, has joined the audience, is very willing to contribute. René avoids recognition from him by pulling his cap down over his eyes and speak in the mangled French that officer Crabtree uses, the procession then hurries off to the museum.

Meanwhile, madame Fanny returns to the café, she finds Edith's note, which says "I have left you something up in your bedroom, to warm you up." Having gone upstairs, she is overjoyed to find officer Crabtree in her bed, but he is not so glad and flees the room.

At the museum, René takes off most of the clothes he is wearing, so they can be given back to officer Crabtree, after Mimi, Yvette, LeClerc and Edith have said goodbye to him, they leave and head back to the café. Monsieur Alfonse also leaves to get René some new clothes. Meanwhile, Gruber and Von Strohm head for the museum in Gruber's little tank, since Gruber wants to pay his last respects to René at the museum, as there were too many people in the square, they show up, just as René is about to try on a new pair of trousers. In desperation, monsieur Alfonse throws a blanket over him, to pretend he is one of the wax figures on display in the museum. Thus, René is forced to stand absolutely still - with his trousers down, since he has not had the time to put them on properly. Monsieur Alfonse tries to get them out of the room, but they keep watching different items, until they discover René, thinking it is a wax figure of him. While they are still in the room, René even sneezes twice, but monsieur Alfonse manages to fool them, that it is only a wax figure and finally make them leave, without having discovered it is really René.

As Edith shows up at herr Flick's headquarters, Helga opens the door for her on her way out. Herr Von Smallhausen then serves Edith some tea, spiked with a truth serum, extracted from the Peruvian porcupine at the height of the mating season. She soon falls into a trance, during which herr Flick asks her where the painting is. However, as she does not know where it is, she mentions places all over the café building where it could be hidden, as they get no useful information out of her, herr Flick snaps her out of her trance, warning her that there might be side effects to the serum - one of which begins almost immediately, making Edith's hair stand on end.

At the café, monsieur LeClerc has a few drinks and then try go upstairs, to reconcile himself with madame Fanny. However, she will not hear of it and throws him down the stairs. Meanwhile, at the museum, monsieur Alfonse hears somebody new coming, as René does not want to keep absolutely still acting a wax figure again, monsieur Alfonse makes him lie down on the replica of the town's French revolution guillotine. However, it is only officer Crabtree, wanting his trousers back, he also informs René, that the plane that was due to pick him up to go to England has been delayed for a week. The guillotine turns out to be an all-too-convincing working model, which René barely escapes, he refuses to play dead anymore. Instead, he decides to wander the countryside in his underwear and turn himself in to the first Germans he finds, claiming amnesia from the explosion. Officer Crabtree instead suggests René go the road junction, where he will "find" him roaming at half past six.

As he is wandering the countryside, the first German he meets is lieutenant Gruber in his little tank, at first, he fakes amnesia, but when Gruber offers to give him a lift in his little tank and then take him home with him to give him a bath, he suddenly regains his memory in an instant and tries to reject the offer, by running away.

Tarts and Flickers[edit]

René agrees to meet Yvette in the broom cupboard at midnight, for the moment, they have a quick cuddle, when Edith walks in on them. For once, she asks Yvette to explain the situation, as she is doing poorly at this, René comes to her aid and says he has had a spasm of the heart and that Yvette caught him, when he was about to fall. When Edith and René have sent Yvette upstairs, Michelle barges in, telling both of them, that she and her girls have waylayed a courier from Berlin, thus obtaining top secret German plans for the defence when the allied invasion begins, she has photographed the plans and have the pictures on microfilm, which she intends to send to England by carrier pigeon. However, first she demands to call London on the radio.

Going up to Fanny's bedroom, they find her and monsieur LeClerc having a row, she has found a note from an old girlfriend of his, thinking he has cheated on her again. He tries to explain, that it is from 1927, but she will not listen to it, not until Edith reads the signature of the note and it turns out, that it is Fanny herself who has written it. When the situation has been settled, Michelle asks monsieur LeClerc to get a homing pigeon from René's henhouse. When he has gone, Michelle, René and Edith contact London on the radio, they tell them about the microfilm and that it will be sent to London by pigeon. London then plays a personal message from Churchill himself, addressed to René, it says "Well done, Ronald".

Later, René, Edith, Michelle, LeClerc and officer Crabtree are standing in the square, about to send the pigeon with the microfilm to England. When Michelle has attached the film to one of its legs, she lets it go, but it keeps returning to them, it appears that LeClerc chose the wrong pigeon and took one, whose home place is in Nouvion. Michelle then has another idea, they will all enter the fishmonger float and specially prepare their carriage with propellers and engines, to paddle over to England in secret.

Colonel Von Strohm and lieutenant Gruber are shown into general Von Klinkerhoffen's office, he informs them that, since to war is going badly for the Germans, certain generals are planning to assassinate Hitler, and he is one of them. He has decided, that they are both going to join him in the assassination attempt, the plan is to send the painting to Hitler and have the frame around it stuffed with explosives. As Hitler examines the painting, the fram will be blown up, killing him. Therefore, somebody will have to be present when the picture is delivered to Hitler. When Gruber points out, that they do not have the painting, the general says they will have a forgery made, he has the picture of Gruber holding the painting and Helga can pose as the Madonna, while monsieur LeClerc paints a forgery.

Monsieur Alfonse shows Michelle, Edith and René in to an old storage magazine, where he keeps the floats from the last time Nouvion won the fishmonger parade. Edith remembers it, but it was a long time ago, since she was then sixteen years old. Michelle suggests René be Neptune and Edith accepts monsieur Alfonse's suggestion to be Venus unadorned and lie in a giant clam shell, that is also part of the float, as she tries lying down in it, it shuts itself on her and the others have a hard time opening it to get her out.

The three German officers watch as monsieur LeClerc paints the forgery and Helga poses for it, she is properly covered, only to uncover herself for a short while, when monsieur LeClerc is to paint the boobies. As it is time for this, Von Strohm and Von Klinkerhoffen do not turn away, but instead, they put on glasses, until Helga asks them to avert their eyes.

Herr Flick decides to try a new plan to find the painting. While Yvette and Mimi are acting as "ladies of the night", they will kidnap them, put on their clothes and, using their keys, get into the café to search. To this end, they try on some wigs to make them look more convincing.

Meanwhile, at Von Klinkerhoffen's office, he makes a simulation of the blowing up of the picture frame, by putting an empty frame in front of a mannequin, dressed as Hitler, he and the two other officers are at a safe distance, when he blows the frame up with a radio frame. However, it does not quite work as planned, as part of the ceiling in the room is blown up, but the mannequin is unharmed.

In the evening, herrs Flick and Von Smallhausen drive up to Mimi and Yvette in the square and pick them up, they bring them to an empty garage, where they force them to take off their clothes and then let themselves be tied up, all the time thinking it is some sort of game the two Germans want to play. However, they are not so glad when the two Germans leave them tied up in the garage and disappear.

When René and Edith have gone to bed, herrs Flick and Von Smallhausen sneak up to the café, open the front door and go in, they decide to start searching upstairs and go there. However, the clock strikes twelve, so René gets up to join Yvette in the cupboard, as the two Gestapo officers hear somebody coming, they hide, Herr Flick in the cupboard. Thus, René finds him in there, but since it is dark, he cannot see it is not Yvette. Meanwhile, Edith reaches for René's hand in the bed, but as he is not there, she wakes up, wondering where he has gone, as she goes looking for him, she finds him in the cupboard and is at first furious, finding him in the cupboard with a tart. However, when she realises it is Herr Flick, she is more surprised than angry, but still wonders what the two of them were doing in the cupboard. René tries to explain he thought the noise he heard was caused by burglars and went to look for them. Edith finds it somewhat hard to believe, but the next moment, they are interrupted by Herr Flick, who orders Von Smallhausen to come out of hiding and then orders René and Edith to find the painting, or they will be shot, the two Germans then go down the stairs to leave.

Meanwhile, Mimi and Yvette have escaped and, dressed in mechanics' overalls, try to get into the café, as the door is locked, Yvette climbs up to René's and Edith's bedroom window, which she has spotted open, in order to go downstairs and open the door for Mimi. While Edith goes downstairs to have a glass of water, René goes back into the bedroom, only to find Yvette in there, she explains that she has had a terrible night and wants René to hold her. However, this is out of the question, since Edith may be coming back any moment. Instead, he forces her to hide in the wardrobe. However, as Yvette has already kissed him and covered his face with lipstick, he decides to hide in there too.

When Edith walks into the bedroom, she is surprised not to find René in there. However, as she sees the window wide open, she assumes René has sneaked out that way to meet a secret lover. Angrily, she decides to get dressed and follow him and therefore goes to the wardrobe, she is even more surprised to find both René and Yvette in there and when she demands an explanation, René simply says that he is "not made of explanations" and that "in a marriage there must be some trust", upon which he closes the doors around him and Yvette. For a moment, Edith decides he is right and that she is overreacting. However, when she has "thought things out" for a few seconds, she picks up an axe from under the bed to go hacking the wardrobe. However, she is rather frightened when René and Yvette start making the wardrobe move towards her.

A Fishy Send-Off[edit]

Monsieur Alfonse is in his mortuary, working on the concrete statue of René, while the real René is modelling for him. Monsieur Alfonse accidentally hacks off the nose of the statue and then, also accidentally, gets the chisel stuck in a rather embarrassing place, he is just about to try to pull it out, when Edith turns up with Mimi and Yvette, since Michelle has asked to meet them there. As they all help pull out the chisel, Michelle turns up, informing them that the costumes for the parade are ready at the café, and that they are all ready to go, it is just that René has to asks colonel Von Strohm and lieutenant Gruber for passes to the coast. When they are about to leave, Michelle makes Edith, Mimi and Yvette pick up two planks, lying on the floor, which are for the float, but when Edith turns around to look at the statue, now that monsieur Alfonse has put the nose back on, she accidentally knocks off the entire head from the statue.

General Von Klinkerhoffen joins Von Strohm and Gruber at their office, he says the plan to blow up Hitler is almost complete, but he does not want to discuss the details right there, since he suspects the room might be bugged. Instead, he suggests they all three go on a golfing tour later in the morning to talk privately, before he leaves them for the moment, he informs them, that he has had a suicide pill installed into one of his teeth. Should the plan fail, he will quickly and easily be able to commit suicide in order not to get caught; in addition, he has bought Von Strohm and Gruber one set of false teeth each, in which will release a deadly liquid when the teeth are crunched together. They try them on, but then cannot get them out, since they are stuck.

The general does not know, that Helga has been listening at the door and she goes straight to herr Flick's headquarters to reveal what she has heard. Herr Flick then tells her, that two years ago, he took the precaution of bugging the general's golf bag, just in case. Thus, he decides that they and Von Smallhausen will also go to the golf course, to listen in on the three officers.

On the golf course, Von Smallhausen tries to tune in the general's golf bag, but first, he receives a broadcast of Vera Lynn, singing (There'll Be Bluebirds Over) The White Cliffs of Dover. When he manages to find the wavelength of the golf bag, they follow the officers around for a while. Finally, the start discussing the plan, or rather, being informed of it by Von Klinkerhoffen. He, Von Strohm and Gruber will all take the afternoon train to Berlin. There, they will deliver the painting and then explode the frame. To do this, he equips them with a yo-yo each, on each of them, there is a little switch and when turned on, the yo-yoing will start a tiny electrical dynamo inside it, which produces an electric beam that makes the explosives go off at up to twenty metres.

As Gruber and Von Strohm have a sit down, René runs up to them, he asks them for the passes to the coast and as the general cannot hear them at the moment, they agree to sign them, on condition that they be allowed to ride on the float, in order to get out of the general's plan. René is forced to agree to this.

In the square, the float is ready to leave. Michelle has dressed up in officer Crabtree's spare uniform, to be able to tag along, by claiming to escort the float. Crabtree then announces all of the participants of the float, as they come out of the café and climb on board. First comes a prawn in a wheelchair, driven by an octopuss (madame Fanny and monsieur LeClerc), they are followed by two mermaids (Yvette and Mimi) and then comes king Neptune and Venus unadorned (René and Edith). Finally comes two crabs (Gruber and Von Strohm). Just as the float is about to leave, the general drives into the square and finds the two officers there, he naturally demands Gruber and Von Strohm get off the float and out of the costumes. Monsieur Alfonse then drives the float out of the square, towards the coast.

At the train station, the three officers get out of their car, leave their luggage (including the painting) to two porters and go to the platform, they do not know it, but the porters are actually herrs Flick and Von Smallhausen in disguise. As they hear one of the general's suitcases ticking, they assume it contains the bomb with which to blow up Hitler, as they pass by the general, he picks that particular suitcase up (to keep as hand luggage) and orders the two porters to put the rest in the garage van. As the three officers get on the train, however, herrs Flick and Von Smallhausen take the painting and orders two soldiers standing on the platform to arrest general Von Klinkerhoffen, colonel Von Strohm and lieutenant Gruber for planning to assassinate Hitler. Meanwhile, Flick and Von Smallhausen go into the men's room, to examine the painting.

The two soldiers board the train and enter the officers' compartment, the general is outraged that he is even suspected of carrying a bomb, but one of the soldiers hears the ticking in the suitcase. As he opens it, it turns out to be an ordinary alarm clock. However, in there, he also finds one of the yo-yos, he thinks it a little suspicious that it has a little switch and tests it, to see of there is anything strange about it. As they are less than twenty metres from the men's room, the frame around the painting blows up in the two Gestapo officers' faces.

The café gang arrive at the coast, and stop near a German coast defence bunker, where they are to meet the other floats in the parade, they are soon ordered to leave, since they are in a military zone, but before they can do this, they must wait for madame Fanny, who has needed to go to the loo. Thinking the bunker is a public convenience, she has gone in there and when she is about to flush, she pulls a chain, as usual. However, that makes her fire the cannon in the bunker, the next moment, a German military vehicle pulls up behind them. The commanding officer in it jumps out and informs them all that the invasion has begun and that the British are on their way. Therefore, they are commandeering all vehicles, including the float. When they look out over the sea, they can see it is true, as dozens of ships are approaching (however, the TV audience is not shown this). When the Germans have taken the float, René and Edith take Michelle's and officer Crabtree's tandem bicycle, while the others are forced to walk back to town.

A Winkle in Time[edit]

René and the others are preparing the celebrations for when the allies arrive to liberate the town from the Germans, as René and Edith are discussing the invasion, officer Crabtree shows up at the café, telling them that the British and the Yankees are near, and shows them where they are on a map. It seems the Americans will arrive first and therefore, they choose to prepare the café in a more American style.

When Edith has gone to get some records with American music, Yvette asks to talk to René in the backroom, she reminds him of his promise to marry her when the invasion had begun, but he reminds her, that he had promised to marry her, when the war was over, which will be when the allies arrive at the café. As they have a quick cuddle, they are interrupted by somebody knocking at the window. When they open it, they cannot believe their eyes, since it is - the two British airmen Fairfax and Carstairs, they try to tell René and Yvette, that they have been shot down and need shelter until the allies get there. Since René and Yvette do not understand them, there are a few misunderstandings, until Mimi calls them out into the café, where Michelle, dressed as an undertaker, wants to talk to René.

Both Mimi and Michelle are shocked to see the airmen again. However, it is soon decided they will be hidden in the cellar, before they go down there, Edith comes down stairs and she is also shocked to see them. Then, Michelle informs René and Edith that she and monsieur Alfonse are going to blow up the German ammunition dump outside town, by driving monsieur Alfonse's hearse, which is loaded with explosives, up on a hill and let it roll down towards the dump, blowing it up. René is soon persuaded to join them.

Helga announces general Von Klinkerhoffen, who enters colonel Von Strohm's office with a machine gun in his hands, he forbids the colonel and lieutenant Gruber to retreat or surrender - they will fight to the last man and the last bullet. He hands over the gun to Gruber, informs them that anyone caught escaping will be shot, and leaves, as the general has placed a guard by their front door, they tie some longjohns together to climb out the window.

Mimi, Edith and Yvette play the Andrews Sisters' Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy on a gramophone in the café, practicing miming to it, while waiting for the allies. While they are doing this, René comes into the café, a cauliflower in his hand and onions hanging around his neck, he turns off the record and informs them, that the blowing up of the ammunition dump failed, but that they hit a vegetable van instead. While René gives the vegetables to Mimi to put in the kitchen and let Yvette tend to the bar, he and Edith go upstairs to radio London.

Madame Fanny and monsieur LeClerc are sleeping, but wake up, when René and Edith move the bed and the bedknobs start flashing. When they have told London that the blowing up failed, they hang up and René says that was the last message he would send and for him, the war is over, the next moment, the bedroom door is opened by colonel Von Strohm, who says "You're right René". Gruber says "I knew it all along. You are a resistance fighter." Madame Fanny then points out that he is not just any resistance fighter - he is Nighthawk, the hero of the resistance. As the war is nearly over, the Germans decide to turn a blind eye, as long as they can have the painting to escape with it and sell it. However, René does not know where it is, he put it between two menus for safekeeping, and now it is gone. As Gruber points out, that without the painting, the game is up for them, monsieur LeClerc in addition tells them, that the British commandos will arrive shortly, as the two Germans want to surrender to somebody else, Edith suggests the airmen in the cellar.

As they go down into the cellar, the airmen think they are about to capture them and all four try to surrender to each other, since the Germans do not speak English and the airmen do not speak German. Von Strohm then comes up with the idea, that they disguise themselves in the airmen's uniforms and thus escape, it takes another few misunderstandings, before the airmen understand that they want their clothes and give them to them.

Herr Flick, herr Von Smallhausen and Helga are gathered in herr Flick's headquarters, as the allies are only hours away, herr Flick decides to try his last escape resort. As Von Smallhausen pulls back the clothes screen, he reveals a "midget submarine" consisting of two tin baths put together. Herr Flick tells Helga, that for the last year, Von Smallhausen has been digging a tunnel on its way to the river and this is how the escape will be done, as Helga rejects the offer of escaping with him, he lets Von Smallhausen open the wall of the room, revealing a long tunnel. As Helga asks for her share of the ten million francs, herr Flick says she cannot have it. However, he gives her the missing booby from the painting as a memento.

When the allies finally arrive at the café, it is not the Americans but British forces, they try to tell the café gang, that the town is now under allied control and that they will receive the formal German surrender at the café. As they do not understand English, they do not understand this, but at least they understand when the commander says he wants to talk to "Reeny Artoys, alias Nighthawk of the resistance", he then awards René the MBF medal (which stands for "Magnificent Brother of France" - or "Mad Bloody Frog" as the commandos interpret it). The next moment, colonel Von Strohm and lieutenant Gruber come up from the cellar, disguised as British airmen, and even the British think they really are. However, it is not so easy to convince them, as they cannot speak a word of English.

Suddenly, the door opens and general Von Klinkerhoffen enters the café; in order to spare the lives of his men, he has decided to surrender right then and there and hands over his sword to the British commander. As the commander speaks a little German, he accepts the surrender and asks the general where his other officers are, with a sigh, he tells him that the two British airmen are his officers.

When herrs Flick and Von Smallhausen and Helga have pushed the submarine all the way through the tunnel, Von Smallhausen says that the final wall should be the only thing between them and the river, as the two Gestapo officers climb into the submarine, Helga pushes it through the wall. However, they do not arrive at the river - but head straight into the café, they are just on time, as the British commander was just asking for the local Gestapo officers. As all Germans are taken away and put into jail for the time being, Gruber and Von Strohm ask René to put in a kind word for them. Then, René and the waitresses serve the British officers drinks and the British seem to be enjoying themselves, even considering staying for a few days. However, as Edith tries to sing "(There'll Be Bluebirds Over) The White Cliffs of Dover", they change their mind and decide to head on to Paris. René is not glad that she has scared the customers off, as Edith points out that at least for them, the war is over and they "still have each other", René replies "The price of victory is always high".

The image fades to show the square many years later, as there is graffiti on the walls and people are dressed in modern clothes, a Citroën BX is parked on the square - the time is clearly "the present" (then being 1992, as the episode was first broadcast then). A grey Mercedes drives into the square, as the driver steps out, it turns out to be a very old Von Strohm. The two passengers step out from the back seat and turn out to be the equally old Gruber and Helga, they spot the statue of René and then go into the café, to see if René is still there. As Gruber orders Von Strohm to wait by the car and he answers "Yes, sir", he obviously is Gruber's servant.

Inside, they find René coming out from the backroom. However, he is not old - he even looks younger than during the war, with a little more hair on his head, they are rather puzzled by this, until they present themselves to him and it turns out, that he is René's son.

The old René is using the public convenience and is helped by an equally old Yvette. When she has helped him get into his wheelchair, they spot the Mercedes and also see the driver admiring the statue of René, as they come up to him, they are overjoyed to find out it is Von Strohm and he is equally glad. He informs them, that he is the chauffeur of Gruber and Helga, who are now married and have six grown children, it also turns out, that Gruber is now a millionaire, since he became an art dealer after the war.

In madame Fanny's bedroom, the very old Edith is lying in bed, acting just like Fanny, asking for food, the equally old Mimi brings her some soup and tells her, that the Germans are visiting. She then gets out of bed and goes down to talk to them.

In the square, Gruber and Helga say hello to René, as Helga says she thought René would have married Edith by now, Yvette says he never got round to it, but he has promised to marry her, when they have found the painting, which went missing at the end of the war and has been gone ever since. Gruber then wonders whose son René Junior is and René tells him, that he was an orphaned baby left on the doorstep of the café, the next moment, Gruber points to the statue with his walking cane and accidentally knocks one of the arms off it. As the statue is hollow, they find something rolled up inside the broken arm, as René pulls out the dusty canvas, it turns out to be the portrait of The Fallen Madonna with the Big Boobies. Helga then picks the missing booby out of her handbag, finally reuniting it with the rest of the painting.

As the others go to talk to Edith, who has come outside, Yvette rolls René (who is holding the painting and the missing booby) to the Germans' car, the two of them get into it and start the engine. Yvette is overjoyed that René finally keeps his promise to start a new life with her. Naturally, the others are somewhat puzzled as to their behaviour and as Edith for the last time asks "René, what are you doing with that serving girl?", René replies "You stupid woman! Can you not see ... I am eloping!" and drives out of the square, with the others slowly chasing after the car.

  • Note: This episode features a guest appearance of John D. Collins and Nicholas Frankau as Fairfax and Carstairs.
  • Note: In this episode, the timeline is revealed to be Tuesday 6 June 1944.
  • Note: The final scene must be set in the then-present day time: 14 December 1992, 48 years later.
  • Note: Due to previous age mentions, in the final scene, Rene's age must either be 82 or 83, Edith's age must be 78 or 98 or 88, Colonel Strohm's age must be 98 or 99, Yvette's age must be 68 or 69, Mimi's age must be 68 or 69.

References[edit]