Speed 3

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"Speed 3"
Father Ted episode
Episode no. Series 3
Episode 3
Directed by Andy DeEmmony
Written by Graham Linehan, Arthur Mathews
Original air date 27 March 1998
Guest appearance(s)

Pat Laffan as Pat Mustard
John Rogan as Mr. Fox
Eamon Morrissey as Father Beeching
Arthur Mathews as Father Clarke
Gail Fitzpatrick as Mrs. Millet

Episode chronology
← Previous
"Chirpy Burpy Cheap Sheep"
Next →
"The Mainland"
List of Father Ted episodes

"Speed 3" is the third episode of the third series of the Channel 4 sitcom Father Ted and the 20th episode overall. The episode parodies the action-thriller film Speed and the sequel Speed 2: Cruise Control. "Speed 3" was written after the show's writers Graham Linehan and Arthur Mathews asked themselves: "How can we make a worse sequel than Speed 2?" This episode was voted the fans' favourite episode on Channel 4's "Father Ted Night."


Fathers Ted and Dougal return to the parish from the Annual Baby of the Year Competition. Ted is covered in white vomit and it’s inferred he was the victim of a number of bilious babies but we discover Dougal was responsible, after running around with the babies. Ted expresses disappointment at how "hairy" all the babies were that year. Mrs. Doyle gets excited when she spots the milkman arriving outside, and quickly gets into a fancier dress and makeup as he steps up to the parish. She introduces Ted to Pat Mustard, a boastful, moustached man that Mrs. Doyle has a clear liking for. Later that night, Ted makes a connection between Pat Mustard and the "hairy" babies, and believes he has fathered them all by having sex with the housewives during his milkman rounds in the day. Mustard denies it, but challenges Ted to prove him otherwise. Ted and Dougal follow Mustard around, and use a camera lens and super-sensitive recorder to collect enough evidence of his sexual encounters to get him fired. Dougal, who claims he always wanted to be a milkman, is given the vacant position.

Dougal proceeds to make the rounds the next day, though several of the housewives were clearly expecting Pat, including one that answered the door topless and another who we see naked through her frosted front door. Dougal, entranced with his new job, does not seem to notice. Mustard calls Ted from a phone booth, claiming he will get revenge, and has rigged the milkfloat with a bomb that will arm if the float exceeds 4 miles per hour, and then explode if it falls below 4 miles per hour. Dropping the phone, Ted races to catch up to Dougal to warn him, but the float has already passed 4 miles per hour, meaning the bomb is armed. While driving the float, Dougal sees a pyramid of cardboard boxes ahead on the road. Ted drives his car to scene and bravely removes the boxes one by one in the nick of time before Dougal drives through. Dougal continues to panic so Ted directs him to a roundabout and to keep driving while he comes up with a plan.

Ted, assisted by Father Beeching and Father Clarke of Barren Island, try to determine a way to save Dougal. After first trying and failing to give a Dougal a Mass from a tractor-trailer pulled alongside the float, they watch The Poseidon Adventure, on the grounds that Gene Hackman plays a priest in it. Ted paces the parish room and trips yet again over a brick left in the centre of the room by Mrs. Doyle, inspired by a recent decorating tip earlier in the episode. Ted suddenly gets an idea. He races back to Dougal and has him place the brick on the accelerator pedal so Dougal can safely get off. Dougal declares he doesn't want to be a milkman anymore. The float continues on its own, straight into the phone booth that Mustard is still gloating to Ted from. The float explodes on collision and eskimos in the Arctic hear the explosion as Pat predicted.

Later, Ted is taking the trash out from the parish, and spots an object in the sky, which then strikes him on his head and knocks him out; it is the brick, half-burned from the explosion. At night, Dougal goes to sleep, but suddenly wakes up and realizes "those women were in the nip!" Mrs. Doyle sadly packs away her shrine of Pat Mustard items as the end credits roll.


Brendan O'Carroll read for the role of Pat Mustard.[1]

Pat Mustard's theme music is "The Penthouse Suite" by Syd Dale.


The episode was voted the best ever by the show's fans, in the Channel 4 Father Ted Night, which screened on 1 January 2011 to celebrate the 15th anniversary of the programme.[citation needed]

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